What I've Been Reading: Thriving in Love and Money
Authors Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn return with another helpful, research based book for families titled Thriving in Love and Money. If you are looking for other practical books on marriage, they have written For Women Only and For Men Only. The authors are not your typical writers of relationship books. Both graduates of Harvard, Jeff's background is in law and Shaunti’s degree is in public policy.
We frequently hear the axiom that most relationship problems are caused by money. The Feldhahns suggest that this is only part of the story: “Our money frustrations with our spouse are actually signals to look deeper, to see the real issues under the surface” (17). In their research, the authors discovered that even among those who do not report fighting about money in their relationship, 85% of them still experience tension over financial matters (33). The research suggests that there are actually 26 negative dynamics that can occur among couples in regard to money. As daunting as this is, with the proper communication and equipping, money can actually be a source of connection for couples.
The authors discovered that if couples will take three actions they can move into greater harmony. First, families should build a cushion in their finances for discretionary purchases. Second, they should be able to talk about money. Third, they should understand how each one responds to money (38). Possibly one of the most hilarious findings of the study was that about two-thirds of people believe they have greater financial acumen than their spouse (52). Simply understanding and getting assumptions like this out into the open are helpful in moving toward greater strength in this area of marriage.
Part of understanding your spouse and money begins with understanding what each of us values. For instance, a husband might value an object he wants to purchase while his wife might value an experience. If they don’t communicate and understand what is important to the other conflict will result. A second insight the book provides is that each spouse tends to have opposite and conflicting fears in regard to money. Men tend to fear that they won’t be able to provide for their families while women tend to be frightened over the closeness, or lack thereof, in their relationship. Men often value financial security while women value emotional security. Therefore a man’s pursuit of financial security can actually cost his wife emotional security (111).
Another insight the authors put forth is the issue of genuine oneness in marriage. Money often is the revealer of our innate selfishness. The authors give helpful insight on how couples can be intentional about moving toward greater oneness in finances. In chapter six, the Feldhahns explain how each spouse’s unique communication style impacts the area of finances (157). Each spouse has different ways of processing and listening. Men tend to process things internally while women tend to talk through matters (161). Neurologically male and female brains manifest unique traits that help explain this. This chapter allows couples to step back and recognize the patterns in their own communication and make adjustments to how we listen and speak to one another. At the end of the book the authors offer a “template for talking” which gives practical steps to guide couples into having those challenging conversations about money.
Short and practical, the book is a great tool to encourage any couple. What I particularly love about the book is that the practical application is not just a list of trite cliches but truly thoughtful steps husbands and wives can take to honor God and their spouse in their marriage. While this book is not a Bible study, the authors write from the perspective of a biblical worldview and the application they give can even help couples who consider themselves to have a strong relationship.