The Truth About Dating
Recently, I heard a story about a college girl who was tired of getting dumped without warning. She couldn’t figure out what the problem was so she developed a dating exit survey. Whenever a boy would dump her unexpectedly, she sent the survey and surprisingly got some feedback about why that particular dating relationship did not work. That’s a creative way to learn about yourself. My thought when I read that article was wouldn’t it be better if someone could know before they had to go through all the ups and downs of a relationship if that relationship was worth pursuing? I’m grateful that God in His grace provides us with wisdom to navigate even this area of our lives.
If you find yourself arguing that there aren’t any verses about dating in the Bible, you’d be right. In biblical times most marriages were arranged by the parents. I’m not advocating that, although I might perhaps be open to such an arrangement for my children (I’m only half-kidding here). Even so, God gives us guidance in how to live in this area of our closest relationships. Scripture gives us three pursuits to use as standards in seeking someone to marry.
First, a potential date needs to be pursuing the Lord. 2 Corinthians 6:14 gives followers of Jesus this admonition: “Do not be bound together with unbelievers.” This doesn’t mean that Christians are to shut ourselves off from the world, but it does mean that our closest relationships must be with those who share our Lord and His values. In terms of dating relationships this is how we can apply this passage: No missionary dating! If someone isn’t pursuing the Lord in the context of dating, they certainly will not in the context of marriage. Scripture wants to save us the heartache of a spiritual mismatch.
Second, Christians should pursue someone who is pursuing the mission that Jesus gave to us. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul, in the midst of answering questions about marriage, singleness, and divorce, spends a great deal of time reminding us of the importance of the mission: “But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, and his interests are divided.” (1 Corinthians 7:32-34a) Scripture isn’t discounting marriage, but it is commending singleness as advantageous to advancing the kingdom of God. If someone we pursue isn’t pursuing the mission of God, we won’t do so either. In that case, being single is a great advantage.
Finally, Christians should pursue someone who can legitimately pursue marriage. 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 tells us that while singleness is good, it is better to marry than to burn with passion. Paul is pointing out the dangers that single people face when we ignore sexual desires. Because marriage between a husband and a wife is the place that God has designed for sexual expression, if you find yourself with those desires, the direction you need to take is toward marriage. If there is no intention of moving toward marriage, dating isn’t something you should be pursuing.
How we date is how we marry, so these things matter deeply. As God’s people, we want to encourage healthy relationships—relationships where couples pursue the Lord, pursue the mission of God, and pursue marriage. But the most important thing to remember is that romance is not salvation. Our culture has told us through movies and music and stories and song that romance is the ultimate pursuit. When Prince Charming comes along then you’ll be saved. Romance is a poor savior. Loneliness isn’t our greatest problem in this world. Our greatest problem is sin. And for that we can only find help from God’s Son who came to live and die in our place and rose from the dead to provide salvation. Only in Christ are we made complete and only in Christ can we be saved. Christ pursued us and we pursue Him in return.
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